32 week baby goldfish

now these weeks are really starting to blur together. it’s crazy! as much as i’m ready for little goldfish to be here i just need to stay in there cooking for 8 more weeks. the longer he/she stays in there the stronger it’s heart and lungs will be for the “real world”. it’s been crazy the past few days my ribs have been just absolutely aching and yesterday at our ultrasound check up it’s little baby head was stuck right up in there. breech. which explains a lot of the movement i’ve been feeling and seeing. they are not concerned about it being breech because between now and 36 week check up it could still flip.

so yesterday after our ultrasound and consultation we had our last heart related prep meeting? i’m not sure what the proper terminology is. we headed over to helen devos childrens hospital and met with the doctors there and toured the nicu. i’m not going to lie. it was a little scary. there is so much ambiguity when it comes to our little goldfish that we can’t really plan for when and how long. but i’m grateful that we know it’s coming. it must be so hard for those mamas who had no idea their babes would end up spending some time there. i’m thankful that we have somewhat of a heads up. the babies in there were so sweet and tiny it made me anxious for ours to be here (but not for like 8 more weeks).  the doctors, social workers and nurses were so kind and welcoming. we asked as many questions as we could think of before heading home to digest this all.

it was interesting to see how all of the teams of doctors and nurses all work together. the cardiologist is worried about A,B,C and the nicu doctors are worried about D,E,F and they are both wondering whats the best outcome for it all to work together. so much of our future is determined by a few things 1.) if baby goes full term or is born early. right now at 32 weeks we are sitting pretty good but still gives room for some premature birth complications 2.) if baby has any other issues with it’s heart other than just the ASVD 3.) what kind of effect the ASVD has on goldfish’s ability to eat. all these factors are going to contribute to our stay in the NICU, how long I can hold baby after birth, and the lag time between birth and surgery.

i’m not going to lie to you. the thought of not being able to hold our baby as a family when it’s born breaks my heart. i think every woman who is pregnant focuses on that moment to make it all worth it. if all goes well i’ll get at least 2 minutes the doctors said if things are going really well we can wait at least 15 – 20 minutes before babe and joe have to go across the street. i don’t know why but that is all i can seem to focus on right now. how many minutes. i was telling joe it’s kind of funny that before all of this all i could focus on was the birth (and being absolutely terrified of it). now (even though i’m still terrified of it)  it just seems like another step in getting us to the end game of going home to be a family.

it’s interesting how different things affect joe and i. I left the offices yesterday a little concerned about the future but so grateful for an appt that went smooth and no new issues and that baby was getting big. gold fish is in the 65% in growth and estimated to weigh close to 5 lbs. (i said thats great! i should be able to leave skinnier than when i started because the rest of the weight gain has to be all guts/fluids etc). the nicu tour really bothered joe as well as the ambiguity of whats to come. we both had this vision of what having a baby was going to be like and each visit it gets eroded a little more.

all that aside i can’t saw how grateful i am for all of the amazing doctors and nurses. despite all of the crap going on the ultrasound techs were so sweet and snuck in some extra profile pics of babe. we got to meet one of the other doctors yesterday and he was so great. the last appointment there were so many tears and this doctor had an amazing sense of humor and we felt like we really clicked with him. i’m so grateful for little moments like that.

thank you all so much again for your thoughts and prayers. they mean so much to us. to all of you doctors and nurses that have reached out to us to answer any of our questions we are so grateful. i wish there was a bigger word than thank you. but until then. Thank you.

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