being a mom

the thought of being a mom the past three mothers days have been a complete and change year after year. in 2016 the wound of our miscarriage was still very fresh and raw. it was honestly hard to celebrate and hard to recognize a day dedicated to something that was supposed to be. i realized that year that just because we never got to meet our first baby, that is when i became a mom. that moment when you realize that you are going to be a parent, you change. you change to your core and you begin to understand the depths of love that a parent can have, you become a mom.

 

last year when we were pregnant with otto aka goldfish we were scared. there was so much uncertainty. the news of his heart condition and waiting on test results was absolutely terrifying. i knew i was already a mom because all i wanted to do was just fix things. just make it that little goldfish inside nestled safe and loved.

here we are with a 9 month old otto. sitting in a perfect lodge on perfect lake Michigan for mothers day weekend. joe went out to find coffee and otto is still sleeping in the middle of the bed where he seems to find himself around 530 every morning. yesterday we sat outside, ate cheese and listened to music and it was wonderful. i sit here and just want to freeze time. just want to constantly sit in the moment and soak it in.

our journey to parenthood and motherhood has not been normal but i’m starting to realize that nobody really is. my eyes have been opened the past three years to the trials and tribulations that so many women go through. i’ve made so many friends along this journey and today my heart is with them. friends who are not able to hold their babies today. friends who are going through the early hard stages of motherhood, battling postpartum depression. friends who are waiting for their babies via adoption and not getting the urgency needed in the cases. friends who have had multiple losses but don’t give up.

i’ve said it numerous times and i’ll say it again. mothers day is so much deeper than a cheesy hallmark holiday. i’m still a new mom with so much to learn. but the lessons learned so far on this journey have been the deepest lessons of my life.

my darling son otto, i have no words to describe what you have done for me. not only have you given me the opportunity to be an earth side mom you have made me want to be the best version of myself. my greatest reward will be someday if when you look back on your life you think of me and your memories of growing up are wonderful and beautiful and good. that when you think of me, you remember me as a good mother, raising you to know Jesus and grow up in the faith. that i took the time for you to teach you and to learn with you. Otto you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. i love you more than words can even begin to describe.

happy mothers day my friends.

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