living in the moment

you know what is really really really really hard? this whole concept of living in the moment. i’ve never been good at it. like ever. i’m a what’s next kind of gal. where are we going, what are we doing if A then B. living in the moment, this exact moment? nope. some times it’s worked in my favorite but most times i look back it makes me sad about how the opposite mentality just makes time fly by way too fast to catch.

we’re getting to that stage between doctor appointments where the high of the last good report wears off and you start to have anxiety creep in about the next. every little random thing that seems off about otto makes me in my mind go “brace yourself” even though the next moment he’s his same, happy smiley self.

i don’t know if i’ve described it like this on here before but i’ve told my family these times with a second surgery looming overhead makes me feel like one of those hot wheel tracks. the kind where the car gets zipped through the charger through the loop and looses momentum right before it slips back to the zip charger only to start the circle over again.

you leave these appointments with a good report, so good in fact we got a whole month under our belts and you feel like you just got zip charged. but as time goes by day by day you get closer to the next you start to lose momentum, feel like things just aren’t as good as when you left and you start to doubt yourself. the day comes and you drag yourself to the appointment and stumble into the office only to be zipped through again. you really really really hope for the zip charge. and if you don’t get the zip charge (as we’ve experienced before) you leave with a different charge. a charge of preparation and “fine, lets do this”.

i’ve been reading a lot about worry. and what little good it actually does. i think i can honestly say that i do not daily worry about surgery or the future. i think there is a difference between anxiety and worry. i’ve always hated known surprises. what the? yea known surprises. when someone tells you something big is coming and you don’t know what it is. when you know those presents are under the tree for you and you just want to know what they are. when you don’t know if you’ve made the tennis team… ok im digressing a little too much here. but you know what i mean. i have anxiety more than worry about the upcoming future. what life will be like after our second surgery, what if we need a third? will our lives ever be “normal” again. that is the kind of crap that plagues my mind more than worry. i know that otto has the best care possible from his team here in Michigan. no doubt. I know that whatever happens God has got this, he got us through it once and he can and will do it again. no doubt. but i just wish he would tell me how it was going to go right?

however sir otto man has forced his future driven mama to slow down and savor the moments. this weekend while joe was away in texas hunting i was wrapping our christmas presents and otto was just babbling away playing on his mat next to me. i just was so overwhelmed with how GOOD that moment was that i scooped him up and just snuggled him (against his will) for a few minutes. the room was dark except for our lamps and his chubby little hands reached up and traced the outline of my face. every time i moved my mouth or blinked he would flash this big gummy smile and honestly it was just more than i could even handle. if my heart could have burst it would have done so at that exact moment.

at that exact moment time just stopped. it slowed. everything just seemed so simple, so do able. and maybe for the first time in my entire life i actually lived in the moment. and it was good.

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