settle for a slow down

i feel like for months now, three and three quarters to be exact i’ve been talking about a life slow down. courtesy mostly of sir otto. i’m sitting here drinking my hot coffee (win!) and tiptoeing around trying not to “wake the beast” (sir otto is NOT a morning baby) getting ready for the day. it really hit me… how much am i actually slowing down? i’m not talking about eliminating jobs, tasks, etc. i’m talking about the slowing down of the mind. not anxiously looking forward into the future. wondering when, what day when will we be going back into surgery? when will otto start to show signs of heart failure again? when will he stop gaining weight?

how many times have i said to others and myself i just want this first year behind us.

today for the first time i realized how truly sad that was. that each day i’m looking forward to the first year of my baby being behind us. don’t get me wrong i will be happy when the threat of surgery is behind us. but the reality is … that day might not come. there is always the potential that he could end up needed a replacement and we will have years of more surgeries ahead of us. am i going to continuously live my life praying for the next step to be behind us? and what about someday when i am out of time? will i be grateful that i wished it all away simply to get to the next surgery?

i sat here this morning and it hit me how much the GOOD days outweighed the bad. how many days have we been home with otto compared to how many days we spent in the hospital. it doesn’t even compare. how foolish to wish all of these good days, these wonderful days behind us simply to not have to await a few shitty days in the hospital. and honestly those shitty days are good, they make him better.

we are approaching otto’s four months of life and while it seems so long, it’s a blink, a flash in the pan and it’s time i have not had the brains to slow down and enjoy.

this is all easier said than done. i’m a planner. i’m a need to know whats next kind of person so to actually slow down and enjoy each day without dwelling (too much) on the future is going to require some exercise.

with the exception of the christmas open house at the found cottage we have not a lot going on. i’m looking forward to a weekend of snuggling, being together as a family and just enjoying the day.

 

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