you made me a mom

for the past few years mothers day has been a bit of a struggle for me and i know many other woman. Halllmark celebrates the tangible motherhood we can see. the type of mom we see on tv, in commercials, in cards, in stories. but it’s so so much deeper than that. i’m starting to learn that motherhood is this great fierceness this primal feeling that you would do anything and absolutely anything to protect the life and wellbeing of your child wither here are earth, in the womb or up in heaven.

i used to not think that i had the nurturing gene, that i was not a soft person. throughout my journey to motherhood i’m learning that maybe i didn’t know myself as well as i thought. i remember when we were experiencing our miscarriage just laying as flat as i could and willing that teeny tiny baby to grow and be strong. going over and above as much as possible to follow the doctors instructions to keep that little baby inside me and growing. i remember this fierceness this absolute laser focus on wiling he/she to live. and when my body failed and God called our first child home the sorrow and despair of loss i felt and still feel. i thought, that baby made me a mom.

i understood what it was like to love something so much more than i could ever love myself or anything else here on this earth. there is a bond the second you realize you are pregnant and you immediately realize that you are a mom.

this mothers day is a little different for me. as i’m typing here i feel the little goldfish kick and roll inside me and sometimes it’s so strong it bumps my computer. the same fierceness and instinct to protect is here again as we await test results, plan for surgery and study up on our baby’s condition. i’ve had a lot of time to myself this weekend to really think about the situations going on in our life at the moment. thinking of all the “why’s” and my sentiments have turned from anger, hurt perhaps a bit of rage to calm, understanding and patience. perhaps the why is because we are capable of handling all of this. we are capable of leaning on God and walking the path he has chosen for us. the conclusion is and always has been whatever the cards we are dealt this is our baby. the baby who will make me a different kind of mother here on earth. and we love and adore he/she more than anything in the world.

this mothers day and all the days i pray fiercely for those who so desperately want to be a mother but are going through struggles to get there. i pray so hard for the mothers who have experienced loss of their babies and admire all their strength to carry on. i pray for the mothers who felt called to step in and love and raise children with the fierceness of motherhood through adoption. to the mothers who loved their children so much they made the difficult decision to give them to adoption. mothers day is so much deeper than a hall mark holiday. there are so many different types of mothers in this world and this day is about each and every one of them.

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